Tuesday, August 18, 2015

Where the Hell Have You Been

     Well it has been a little over a month since my last post and I want to apologize for not being more active for you all.  I have just struggling to feel any sort of being or purpose lately when it comes to my blog.  Every time I think "that would be a good topic to write about" the desire just hasn't been there for me to do it.  Ever since I was told I needed surgery I have been down in the dumps with the whole "why me" argument.  I am sure the lack of exercise that my body is use to is having an effect on my mood, but when you add in being inundated all day every day on Facebook and other blogs about others that are hitting these great milestones, running some great races and just plain enjoying life doing what they love while you can't doesn't help the situation.  Don't get me wrong, I am so happy and proud to see so many people making healthy changes in their lives, but it is hard not to fight that feeling of jealousy and anger at my situation, and I think I have let it get to me so bad that I have been disengaging from almost everything in my life.  More and more the idea of just coming home from work, sitting on the couch and doing nothing but watch Netflix has become my norm, and I don't like it.

     Since I can't run I have dusted off the bicycle and given cycling a shot.  Mandy and I have gone on a few 2-3 mile rides together, but she likes to just relax and enjoy the view when she rides, which I don't mind since we are spending time together, but to me that is the equivalent of walking vs. running.  I have managed a 9 mile and 13 mile rides at a brisk pace, which felt pretty good, despite my ass getting sore. (#) I would like to get out there more, but really the only time I have to ride, other than my day off is in the early morning when its dark, so until I spend some money on lights for the bike, that is out.

     Time to change the attitude and think more positive about things.  I am sure the last thing anyone once to read about is my fucking pity party on how I can't run right now, when there is so much more going on in the world to deal with.  I have to admit, what you are reading now is the third time I have written this post, and before deleting most of it, I think typing those previous drafts really helped.  How you ask?  Well when I read it back to myself, all I heard was a guy that wants something to come easy to him, feels like he is owed something, wants others to feel sorry for him and say it is ok to be like this.  I know this feeling well, and you know what this feeling has gotten me in the past?  I'll tell you  142 POUNDS OF PURE WASTE OF SPACE!  That's right, the last time I felt this way was before this journey ever started and when I didn't want to put in any of the effort, but gain all the results.  

     My plan for the blog's future is to do a daily or every other day post about my surgery experience and recover, but until then my post will be few and far between and may have absolutely nothing to do with running. There is a little more than three weeks till I have my surgery, so until then nothing but living life and concentrating on the positives in life!