Wednesday Weigh In / The Shame Of It All

     Merry Christmas Eve everyone!!  Today is going to be a very busy day for me as I am working 9-2 then I am heading to my sister's for a Christmas Eve get together.  I went ahead and wrote this up last night because I knew I wasn't going to have any time today to write it.  I did however wait till this morning to do my weigh in so I can stay consistent with what numbers I report.  Thank God I waited because if this is what I saw this morning, just think what it would have said if I did it last night.  So lets just get this out of the way right now.

12/24/14 official weigh in

179 lbs

Change: +3.5 lbs

Total loss from heaviest: 138 lbs

Current BMI: 28.0 (overweight)

Change: +.5

      I have debated whether to write about this or not, but after seeing what the scale had to say I think it warranted a truthful response.  So on December 19^th we had our company Christmas pot luck, which is always bad for us food-a-holics because of the smorgasbord of food available.  The pot luck took place during work and being the manager of my department I decided to let my employees go ahead and eat while I covered the department.  I felt that was the right thing to do, but what it did was gave me almost an hour to wait to eat so I was extremely hungry when it was my turn to dive in.  Now of course I was going to enjoy myself, it was a holiday party, so I filled my plate with a sandwich, some chips and cheesy potatoes.  The cheesy potatoes were really good so I went back for seconds, but didn’t over do it. 

 

     Now this is where things went all kinds of wrong.  By this time I was all by myself in the lunch room with a bunch of cookies, brownies, chocolate covered pretzels and buckeyes.  I told myself I could have one cookie and one buckeye, well all that did was start that little tiny snowball rolling down hill.  With no one around for me to feel embarrassed for gorging myself and before I new it I was 5 heavily frosted and sprinkled sugar cookies and 5 rich chocolate & peanut butter buckeyes in.  I had that disgusted ashamed feeling, yet I couldn’t stop myself.  I had to physically walk out of the lunch room to keep from eating any more and yet it was all I could think about.  More! More! More! is all my brain would comprehend.  I started chewing some Extra gum to try and keep myself from going back once the minty flavor of the gum kicked in.  The trick worked, but the damage had already been done.

     Now add to that, Saturday my parents arrived in town for Christmas and the family all met at Fricker’s to eat dinner.  There is not one healthy thing about Fricker’s, but boy does it taste good.  I ended up eating cheese fries and greasy breaded wings like it was no big deal.  Normally I don’t make a big deal about it, but because I haven’t been running or getting any exercise recently I am not burning the calories to allow this kind of behavior.

     I have no reason to think this is the beginning of the end and I will slip and slide all the way back to 300 pounds, but it sure did scare me how easy it was.  Especially considering how hard I have worked to get to where I am.  I wasn’t going to write this because it is really fucking embarrassing to admit, but it’s the truth and this is what I struggle with. 

 Merry Christmas Everyone!

 

Wednesday Weigh In

   11/19/14 official weigh in

177 lbs

Change: 0 lbs

Total loss from heaviest: 140 lbs

Current BMI: 27.7 (overweight)

Change: 0

     After a week with little to no running but as you can see I managed to maintain my weight for another week.  I think I was able to accomplish this with keeping a good eye on my calorie count each day.  On Saturday, Mandy and I did go out to dinner with a couple of our friends and I threw the calorie counter right out the window for that meal.  Cheese fries and breaded deep fried wings smothered in BBQ sauce just sounded to damn good to pass up.  Because I knew where we were going for dinner I managed to keep my calories in check throughout the day in anticipation of whats to come. 
     I did have a small victory today!  When my parents were in town for the marathon I was in dire need of a wardrobe makeover.  All my clothes were getting to big for me, including my underwear, lol, so they offered to buy me a few things.  When it came to jeans I was in 34s and they were starting to get to big on me so I tried on some 32s. They were a tight fit and I felt like I was busting out of them, but I could button them.  Even though they were to tight to wear out, they bought the 32s in anticipation of them eventually fitting.  Well today was that day! I tried them on and they were still just a little snug, but they fit pretty darn good.  The fact that I haven't really lost any weight, but fit into smaller jeans tells me that my new cross training interest might be working. 

     Lately I have been interested in building some muscle and getting stronger, but I don't want to go to the gym to do it.  I have been researching body weight exercises and have been trying some basic moves such as push ups, lunges, reverse crunches etc.  I found a real nice basic routine to do using playground equipment, but now that the cold has set in, I need to figure out another option.

     I came across a homemade contraption to use for dips, reverse push ups and other body weight exercises.  I picked up all the materials at Lowes today for around fifty bucks, which wasn't to terribly bad.  Here are a couple of pictures of one that someone else built that I am using for my inspiration.  When I get the whole thing done I post all the details on how it came together and how well it works.

Bruised and bloody

     Now before I start let me say I am fine and no physical harm has come to me, but mentally that is a little different.  During my run this morning all I could think about was what I ate last night and how cavalier I was ordering it and eating it.  I just kept beating myself up about it, hence the title.  I just kept replaying it over and over with with different decisions I could have made and what outcome it would've had.

     Now before you go what the hell are you talking about, last night the Browns were playing the Redskins on MNF and I was looking for a place to watch it.  Mandy and I don't have cable or satellite and the game was on ESPN so we need to go out to watch the game.  Mandy was not feeling well and she didn't feel like going out so I had to find a place to watch the game.  I got a hold of my friend Paul to see if I could crash at his place to watch the game, well his wife was home sick as well, so to Frickers restaurant we go.  What ended up transpiring is the whole reason I am typing this one up.

     Why couldn't I and why didn't I just stop eating?  That is a great question and it seems like a hard answer, but it really isn't when I step back and think about it.  When the game started I ended up ordering a plate of cheese nachos.  I wasn't really thinking anything more than I always get nachos when I'm here and nachos taste good so go ahead and order some nachos.  I could have stopped at that point, I felt full, but not overly full.  It's me of course and no nachos wasn't enough.

     In the middle of the 2nd quarter the waitress asked us if we wanted to order anything else and without any thought or question I ordered 10 wings breaded, deep fried and swimming in BBQ sauce.  Once she walked away my mind kicked back on and I new I made a bad choice.  Of course though I didn't do anything about it.  When she set the wings in front of me I knew I shouldn't be doing this, but I tried to rationalize it by saying, well I didn't get french fries so that's a little better.  Each and every wing I ate I felt worse and worse about myself.  How could I continue to do this to myself?  After 5 wings I looked at my plate and said to myself, just stop, you don't have to eat the rest.  Yeah that lasted like all but 5 seconds.  I plowed through the last 5 non stop till I was done.   

     So while I ran this morning, drowning in my own self pity, all I could come up with was my fuck it attitude reared its ugly head.  For me that is when I say to myself I already ruined the day so I might as well enjoy it.  Follow that with one day isn't going to hurt anything and I'll get right back on track tomorrow.  That is how every single one of my previous attempts at weight loss have gone.  One day turns into two and two turns into well my week is shot, I'll get back to it on Monday.  Next thing I know I am right back to where I don't want to be.

     I am sure a lot of people would read this and think I am a crazy person and I am way over reacting to the situation, but to me there is no such thing.  I hated myself when I allowed myself to gain back the 60 pounds I lost once, how do you think I would feel if I gained back the 130 plus.